I want to feel alive again

 

This post is not written for anyone its just all my thoughts sprawled out onto a page. It’s for me. Its just a step for my own well-being and happiness. If you somehow find this page and struggle with the same thing, I hope this helps you.

So I have a confession. I am a binge eater. It’s hard to tell other people about this so I’ve decided to write about it instead. I am a binge eater. I eat and eat and eat until way past the point of fullness. It’s like I lose control of my mind and I just sprawl into a black hole that keeps causing me to repeat this cycle of eating and regret then restriction then eating…its gotten to the point where I don’t even restrict myself anymore because I know that I will inevitably binge again. But I’ve decided I want to change. For real this time. Of course I’ve said this after every binge but now I know that it will actually happen.

I’ve been reading this site called eatlikeanormalperson.com and I hope it will change my life. No I know it will change my life. Binge eating is a serious addiction. Allan Karr wrote a book on how to quit smoking. This website utilizes Karr’s principles and applies it to binge eating. I have an addiction. Some people think it’s not as serious as an alcohol or drug addiction but it is. It sucks to have something control your mind and thoughts for every second of every day. It sucks repeating a cycle over and over that you know is hurting you health, well being, and happiness. It sucks looking back at old pictures and thinking I’d do anything to go back to that state of mind-where I could just eat normally. It sucks too that I’m vegan studying Nutrition Science so I’m expected to be a health freak and feeding my body with nutrition but in fact I’m doing the exact opposite. How am I supposed to help others when I can’t help myself?

So I’ve decided that I will change today. Right now. Because binge eating is not an eating disorder, it is a thinking disorder. I do not lack will power; I have a conflict of will. One part of me wants to be healthy and eat normally more than anything in the world, yet another part of me wants to find “comfort” in eating stacks on stacks of nutritionless junk. This “disorder” does not have any more power over me than the common cold. I want to feel alive again. I want to enjoy life. I don’t want to isolate myself. I want to stop viewing each day as one day closer to dying; I want to see each day as a new opportunity to grow and live and experience and be the best version of myself that I can be. I want to be confident again.

Note to my future self: If I am thinking of binging ask:

  1. What is this doing for me?
  2. Do I actually enjoy it?
  3. Do I need to spend the rest of my life slowly killing myself and preventing myself from being happy?

Today I will finally stop this cycle that has ruined my life, so I can be happy and just enjoy life, without being bonded to the chains of binge thoughts. Today, I will not restrict or binge, but fill myself with foods that taste good, have nutrition, and are satiating. Today, I will start to eat like a normal person again. In the end, this is what I want so badly in my life right now. I may not be able to control the weather, genetic diseases, or crappy people. but food is one of the things that I can control, so I will gain control of it again. I will be happy again. I will accept myself even if I am not the skinniest or prettiest I have been I will embrace the way God made me. This is just an obstacle I need to overcome and in the end, it will make me a stronger person.

So here is my oath to myself:

I will fill my body with nourishing, nutrient dense food. I will eat until I am satiated. I will eat to live. Food will no longer control me. I will not give into the self destructive cycle. I will not obsess over my weight because I am not defined by my size. I will be confident and happy no matter what.

 

 

 

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